 Tantra: Sex the Honest Way Last One to... The Spiritual Spanker Missionary? |
by Katka Moore The topic came up as all lurid secrets do -- via a slip o' the tongue. A male friend was describing the mentality of his friends back in his small minded home town, when he began to harp on an ill-fated lad. "Sean's is such a complete loser. I mean, he's the kind of guy who'd haveto eat the toast." "Eat the toast...?" I inquired. "You know -- 'Last one to cum has to eat the toast.'" A pregnant silence followed. In a flash of uncomfortable insight, my buddy realized there was no common ground of experience that existed between us. Soon he would have to explain -- in gory detail -- the exact social meaning of his flippant comments that could not possibly be explained away with a nudge and a wink. Yet another gender bond of secrecy between the sexes had been broken. "Last one to cum..." is a hazing ritual associated with the great Canadian sport of hockey, says my friend who has a brother coming up the hockey ranks. Depending on your league, age and the benevolence of the team veterans, rookies are asked to strip and circle jerk in front of the entire team in the locker room. The rookies (read: suckers) must masturbate until they climax unto a piece of toast. The last one to cum...well, you get the picture. Naturally, such a ritual raise intriguing questions like how many of these bullying veterans are just repressed homos or how do they get a toaster in the locker room to brown the bread? Most of these initiations of male sports teams provide rich anthropological fodder for the promotion of human degradation. Most of them involve the guys getting naked and being jeered at. What is supremely interesting about these rituals is how many of them have a homoerotic nature and yet sports teams are stereotypical associated with outward homophobic behaviour. Football has long been a sport suspect for its homoeroticism implied by a quarterback resting his two meathooks comfortably in the inner thighs of a teammate and all those comraderie pats on the asses. But these suggestive activities pale in comparison to football initiations. "The elephant trail" is one ritual practiced by the football team at a certain Ontario university. Rookies are made to walk in a circle or line buck naked with one thumb in their mouth, another logged up the anus of their teammate in front of them. If a rookie's thumb slips out of a butthole, he has to change thumbs. Degradation is the name of the game, says Jerry, a former sports butthead. As a rookie for a university football team, Jerry had to wade through shit, piss, semen and general deprivation as a mighty welcome to his team. After being stripped, blindfolded and hand-tied, the rookies had to endure teammates prodding their anuses with an inquisitive finger. "You stand there thinking, 'Man, I hope that's just a finger.'" Other fun games involve the blindfolded rookie going for a dunk in a barrel filled with semen and excrement, having men piss in their faces and a complicated relay run where rookies must pick up a cucumber with clenching butt cheeks and waddle six feet to deposit it into a glass, where another teammate can pick up the baton. The loser of the race has to eat the vegetable that has been subsequently sullied with bodily hair and fluids. To make things more challenging, the rookies repeat the game using the much smaller brussel sprout. "I don't know if there is a homoerotic aspect to it," ponders Jerry. "Then again, maybe half the guys really want to jerk off in your face and do get off on it." What is known is that women athletes certainly do not go to the same lengths of degradation in their initiations. Angela, a soccer player, says her teammates bond by getting exceedingly drunk and then peeing together in public alleyways, giggling all along. Still, such rituals shine a new light on the Wayne Gretzskys and Doug Fluties of the world and brings profound new respect for the wisdom of being a sports nerd. |
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