 Tantra: Sex the Honest Way Last One to... The Spiritual Spanker Missionary? | By Katka Moore T-shirts emblazoned with animals in a myriad of copulating positions are one of the more amusing gifts you can purchase at a head shop. They're good for a childlike "teehee" but you have to wonder why the rotund piggies are allowed to indulge in creative acrobatics while the predictable depiction of North Americans copulating remains missionary, missionary, missionary. In fact one is hard-pressed to think of a proper name for a sexual position beyond the salacious oral "69," the socially incorrect "doggy-style" and that damned m-word. It's no surprise missionary has taken such firm root in our culture. At one time it was the only copulatory pose officially sanctioned by the Roman Catholic Church. "Never should a woman be sky while a man be earth," thundered a (frustrated?) Saint Thomas, forgetting that genitals, height and weight figure more into the posture than elements. Missionary propaganda is rampant in mainstream films where Europeans bring civilization to the erstwhile doggy-ing Neanderthals, aboriginals, uncivilized Euros, in the form of man on top shagging face to face with a female. How inspiring. In contrast the only time women are allowed to grind on top, outside of porno, are ice-pick murderers (Sharon Stone), sadistic Nazi assassins (Ilsa, Queen of the SS) or women who battle Arnold Schwarzenegger (Linda Hamilton). Thankfully, other world cultures have not been so appalling bland in documenting their sexual knowledge. Fornication and sensuality in all its various poses were examined and rated by Kama Sutra followers XXXX years ago. Practitioners of Tao took sexual positions very seriously since sex was (is) considered a vital ingredients in leading a robust life. Bad sex didn't mean you had chalked up another embarrassing scenario to forget. It was a big boo-boo because improper positioning causing genital damage or little pleasure meant a serious drain of vital energy. So numerous positions were advocated since there is more than one way to skin a cat, er, make love. To these ancient sensualists, one doesn't get boned from behind. Instead a couple rollick like tigers, cling like cicada, and assume the aptly-named "squatting monkey." The reference to animals is logically mirrored in erotic, instructional Kama Sutra Indian paintings where a dexterous couple may fornicate with their legs wrapped around their necks while watching their pet felines copulate in the identical match. Describing your favorite position as sort of missionary but a little to the left would be considered a pathetic attempt at detail by a Taoist. Take, for example, the climbing monkey style. The one with the phallus sits with his legs out, slightly parted. The one accepting his rod of love sits on his thighs facing him. The man is allowed to use one hand to balance himself on the floor or bed but he should grab the woman's butt cheek with his other, pushing her towards him and he thrusts majestically into her jade cave. In the deer nudging with his antlers position, the man sits the same way but the femme is turned with her back facing him, still resting her legs on his thighs. The dull "doing it from behind" expression can be interpreted as imitating many animals poses including deer, cicada, dragonflies or tigers. Shockingly dog isn't included in the list of animals to personify perhaps because a horned-up puppy is more likely to hump a fencepost than actually mount another dog and thus is a shameful example. With tigers rollicking the woman assumes the ferocious feline, arching her back and crouching on her hands and knees, as the man tames her, embracing her around the waist and p-p-penetrating. Animal grunts are optional. Cicada clinging is like a flattened tiger with a concentration on breathing. Some creative couplings are better for different physiques. For men who are not massively endowed, there is the phoenix stretching style where she lies on her back, drawing up her legs so he is able to enter very deeply without causing damage by kneeling between her legs with hands on the floor/bed for balance. Other playing-with-the-penis positions include the teasing "inchworm" where the man imitates similar bending and stretching motions (it's in, it's out, it's in even more, it's out again) and the wondrous "fish feeding" pose, where a man lies on his back while the woman draws his phallus up into her vaginal highway the way a baby sucks on its mother's nipple. It kind of brings new meaning to the question, "caught anything recently?" These positions were determined by sage kings nearly 5,000 years ago as the best ways to join Yin and Yang. What would an open-minded be without adjustable deviations? There is level bouncing, for those who can't get enough of friction, where men and women can bounce thigh to thigh or a man can suspend on his elbows and toes above a woman. There is extending the arms, arching the back away from the women's body to stimulate her outer genitals or entwining their thighs to stop a man diving too deeply. Given this shred of informative sexual lore, it's a wonder why anyone would assume "missionary" when they hear "sex." |
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