Hamster Longevity

Since our hamster just died, quite suddenly, I was wondering if you could educate me as to the correlations between rodent longevity and the size of rodent populations. Please also include how this might relate to the number of fleas infesting my house.

Dear Worried Mother,

Rodents do not live beyond most experiments within the care of Scientists. Although counselling and birth control methods have sought to improve the quality of their miserable lives, rodent suicide is a fact of life. When they have reached a life-goal (such as getting cancer or having all their hair fall out) at the end of a Scientific experiment, their will-to-live goes down to the bottom of the cage. They soon follow.

Some pseudo-Scientists, the so-called "sociologists", have tried foisting a religion onto these furry lab assistants. The cult of the Mousia gained a fleeting claw-hold in some laboratories. Although the suicide rate declined, no experiments could be conducted on Tuesdays (The day of the "family special" at Chuckee Cheese's). Scientists then had to act as deprogrammers to rescue the deluded mice. The debunking of Chuckee Cheeses' as the Mousia was a tough but worthwhile struggle.

So there you have it. Mice, hamsters, and rats are ephemeral creatures who dance in the light for a brief, fiery moment and then are gone. If you want something more permanent, try a pet rock or get a long little doggie.

Yours for a refreshingly more Scientific world,
Dr. Nucleus