Coffee beat is a nervous grind

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Coffee beat is a nervous grind

Modern Timez
by Stan Sinberg

    8 A.M. -- Whilst reclining with a home-brewed cup of coffee, it occurs to me that now that Starbucks, the premier coffee outlet in the Northwest, has opened up a local store, Marin has become a "major player" in the coffee-drinking wars. I contemplate that mayhaps it would be amusing and informative to sample coffees at the various Marin coffee shops and compare them.
    8:20 -- I consult my editor, who suggests that I space out my investigation over three or four days so as not to imbibe too much caffeine. I assure her that her concern is heedless, as I'm not the sort who is affected by caffeine in the slightest.
    8:48 -- I begin my sampling at Mill Valley's Coffee Roastery, where I partake of a cup of Colombian Roast. The aroma is heady, the body rich, the flavor full-bodied. Afterwards, I help myself to a cappuccino.
    9:03 -- Drink coffee at Peet's. Arabian Mocha Sanani, a robust blend. Pour refill. Funny. Never noticed unique vibrating walls decor before.
    9:11 -- Depot. Strongmurkybitter.
    9:37 -- Go to Starbucks for double espresso macchiato. Spill some due to tremor. I yell "Earthquake!" but nobody moves.
    10:14 -- Head to Book Passage.
    10:15 -- Change mind. Head to San Anselmo.
    10:16 -- Change mind. Head to New York.
    10:17 -- Change mind. Head to Fairfax.
    10:18 -- Change mind. Head back to Book Passage. GET OUT OF THE WAY, TOAD-FACE!

    11:22 -- Call editor who asks how the coffee drinking is going. I say, "HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING?" She asks me if I'm feeling a ltitle tense. I say, "TENSE? WHY THE &=*&%#@ SHOULD I BE TENSE?"
    11:48 -- Arrive Book Passage! Drink latte. Begin reading "War and Peace."
    11:49 -- Finish "War and Peace."
    Noon -- Get pulled over on freeway. Cop asks "Where's the fire?" I say "I'm only going 55, officer." He says, "Yeah, but you're on foot." OMIGOD! HE'S RIGHT! I FORGOT THE CAR!
    1:10 P.M. -- Drive to Clean Well Lighted bookstore. Encounter with cop made me frazzled. Drink three cups of java to calm nerves.
    1:33 -- Feel sudden urge to run around bookstore 26 times. Come back, have three more cups to rehydrate.
    1:58 -- Call editor. Ask "What was my assignment again?"
    2:09 -- Leave bookstore. Get in car.
    2:18 -- WHY ARE THERE NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS ON THE FREEWAY? Make note to do 5-part investigative study on this. I'm not kidding: heads will roll on this one.
    2:32 -- Come home to change clothes. Turn on TV. Watch "Short-Attention Span Theater." Too drawn-out. Switch to MTV. Since when do they show slides?
    3:40 -- Come to IJ. Make small talk:
    "Hihowyadoin'watchawritin'any
thingnewIbeenworkin'onmycoffeestory
gottagosoIcanwriteitseeyalater
reallygreattalkin'toya."
    3:44 -- Begin writing column.
    3:46 -- Hand in column.
    3:48 -- Editor comes storming back to my desk. Hands me back my column. It reads "SfjdlafjokeekkDDDDDDDDkugz."
    I ask, "Is that a problem?" Editor orders me to go home, lock myself in room, and no more caffeine! If you ask me, coffee makes her tense.

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