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| The relationship I always imagined | Coffee beat is a nervous grind | Is everyone having more sex than you? | Forty years of love and sex | The Smartness Experiment |
 The Smartness ExperimentModern Timezby Stan Sinberg Day 1: Billings, Krupp, and I have decided to undergo an experiment to increase human intelligence. For the next two weeks, we will take megadoses of various "smart drugs" to determine if it is really possible to significantly expand our intellects. Marcus will be our control subject. He will remain his same, stupid self. Day 2: The drugs are already having an effect! Billings shows up with the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal because he now suspects that everything in the Weekly World News isn't true. Krupp writes an open letter to Carl Sagan, completely destroying his theories: "How do you know there are billions and billions of stars -- have you ever counted them?" We are extremely proud of Krupp. Day 3: The three of us discuss ways to cash in on our increased brain power. Krupp suggests starting a magazine for smart-drug users, Musclehead, with fold-outs of brain builders in thoughtful positions. Billings thinks it would be more profitable making a video, Pumping Cortex. I begin to test my theory that if you go back and forth enough between rival electronics stores promising to undercut each other, you can get everything for free! Later we combine our brain power and send telepathic messages to Marcus to test whether we can force him to do our bidding. Day 4: Krupp has developed a major crush on Sally Jessy Raphael. I have amazing insight that the commercial with the actor that isn't a doctor but plays one on TV is stupid! Billings goes on Jeopardy and wins $167,000 but loses it all in "Final Jeopardy" when he fails to answer the question, "What dry cleaners do when they 'martinize'." Day 5: A horrible mistake has led to our first breakthrough! We found Krupp's daughter Claire, age 4, next to an open bottle fo Megabrain 3000. While watching The McLaughlin Group, Claire asks, "Why are these discussion shows always dominated by conservative white men?" Clearly the drugs are having an effect! Distraught from his Jeopardy loss, Billings announces his intention to leave the world of humans and commune with nature. |
Day 6: After a night of smart drinking, Krupp is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks Krupp to walk a straight line. Krupp explains that because of the curvature of the earth, there is no such thing as a stright line and therefore he can't do it. We spend the night in jail and tell Krupp from now on no smart drinking before he drives. Day 7: Krupp and I have a fight. I announce my theory of "Simpsonity": To cartoon charaters, we appear animmated. He tries to wrestle my pills away from me. Billings has returned. Apparently hiking in the mountains has given him the idea to set up a chain of wilderness podiatrist booths. Every few miles, a backpacker can stop along the trail and get a foot massage from a licensed podiatrist. To show his determination, Billings announces that henceforth he will be known as Paul Bunion. Day 8: A setback! Claire's teacher tells us that all the four year olds in prekindergarten class are watching The McLaughlin Group and asking the same question about talk shows and conservative white men. Day 9: Wearing a swimsuit and making strange clicking noises, Billings darts out of the office. What adventure is he on this time? we wonder. Day 10; Krupp suffers massive depression when he realizes that the woman he's been calling for months on the 900 number may not actually be the one he saw in the ad. Day 11: Billings has been found! A report on television announced that a school of dolphins and a man swimming prevented a boat from capsizing and rescued 16 people. Day 12: Krupp's brilliant new theory that black holes are actually cosmic gunshot holes caused by interstellar gang war is overshadowed by terrible news: Billings has drowned! His brain became too heavy, and he was pulled under. Official cuase of death: "being too smart for his own good." Day 13: Due to the news about Billings, we have decided to terminate our experiment one day early. Despite some startling successes, we now realize that it's sheer folly to try to increase human intelligence. Watching Studs, Marcus smiles, "I knew that." Startled, we settle back and gaze on the hot-looking babes. Tomorrow, we agree, we'll start working on our bodies. |
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