Survey Anxiety

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The relationship I always imagined	Coffee beat is a nervous grind	Is everyone having more sex than you?	Forty years of love and sex	The Smartness Experiment

Survey Anxiety

Modern Timez
by Stan Sinberg

Is everyone having
more sex than you?
    By now you've undoubtedly heard about that new sex survey which reveals that, as a whole, we're a nation of straight-laced prudes.
    The results fly in the face (or whatever) of every other sex survey ever done, which have found that Americans are a sex-crazed, hormone-driven, libido-fueled lot, doing it with everyone they can on back seats, office copy machines, airplane bathrooms and anywhere else with a flat surface.
    The media have readily embraced this new survey because it puts to bed the one universally accepted fact about sex -- that everyone is having more of it than you.
    The only problem is, take any survey or scientific sutdy you can think of, from the benefits of oat bran to yo-yo dieting to increased violence on Super Bowl Sunday, and the one thing you can count on 100 percent is that a study will follow that contradicts the previous one.
    What I'm trying to say is that despite this recent survey, everyone actually is having more sex than you.
    But don't get too bent out of shape, because according to the surveyors, the few times we are locking loins, we're pretty darned unimaginative about how we lock them. Except for intercourse and watching our partners undress, a majority of people can't agree on what feels good.
    I found this lack of variety pretty startling until I looked around the news racks and suddenly figured out why. Sex has been kept a big secret.
    A cursory look around the newsstands after the survey came out had Reader's Digest showcasing "Sex Secrets Men WIsh WIves Knew," while Men's Health magazine revealed "5 Secrets of Great Sex." That's close to a dozen secrets about sex revealed just in these two mags alone, and doesn't include numerous other articles revealing previously undisclosed sexual information, like Redbook's "We Rate the 6 New Sex Techniques!"

    Of course, once you buy the magazines you discover that most of these secrets and techniques turn out to be things like "communicate," or "take your time," or "act interested." These are not the kind of secrets guys want. Guys want the kind of instructions they're used to finding in car-repair manuals, along with little hand drawn diagrams: "Insert Point A for 30 seconds in Point B and then move to Point C, and with a light circular motion, rotate the index finger in a counterclockwise position for 2 1/2 minutes until your partner emits a moaning-type sound, and then..."
    Still, this is progress. If you don't think so, try to recall the last time you ever thought you'd see a men's magazine dare to inform a man there were sexual secrets he didn't know.
    A few of the secrets do turn out to be of the mechanical variety, which raises the disturbing questions: Why have these techniques been secret until now? How come they're suddenly being revealed?
    Before we can answer this, we must answer yet another question, who has been keeping this stuff a secret anyway? One theory points, naturally, to the government. All these years, the cellars of the FBI and CIA buildings have been overflowing with documents stamped "Top Secret! Great Sexual Techniques!"
    These past decades, they've been guarded over by Republican presidents like Nixon and Bush who have adamantly refused to divulge any of these sexual secrets, even to their wives!
    But now we have the Clintons in the White House, who not only know all the secrets, but are into declassifying them to make sex more "democratic." Rumor has it that George Stephanoupolis has been personally responsible for leaking many of these secrets.
    Of course, this is only one theory. Other suspects range from the fall of Communism (which eliminates state control of sex) to the Internet, which made it easy to transmit sexual secrets across state lines.
    Nevertheless, sexual secrets are being revealed at an alarming rate. Before long, everyone will know what to do, how to do it, and how long to do it for. Which means that the next time one of these sexual surveys appears, the results will be completely different.
    Except that everyone will still be having mroe than you.

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